Stupid Shoes and Sleepy Eyes

Man oh man I am fighting it today. I can't seem to keep my eyes open! The more I try not to be sleepy, the more sleepy I feel. Bad joojoo.

Work is going well. I'm task oriented right now. I got my boss to number the projects I'm working on in order of importance. Now I can figure out what to work on next. Tabloid. I have to put together a tabloid for the school. It's about 32-35 pages long. It will have ads (from what I've been told) and will need to be set up for print. Goody goody. I'm so not excited about this. I know it will be fun to put together. It is the gathering of information that gets to me. Oh well.

Scott is coming home in about three weeks!! I finally got to talk to him. I had already decided he had found a desert queen and stopped loving me. Crazy thoughts. It turns out that a tower was knocked down or out or something. Communication had been cut off. So yeah. Three weeks. I can't wait to see him.

I think I'm probably going to go from cold feet to warm whatever every week or so. I'm fine right now. I'm not freaking out about getting married. I'm not worried about the fact that we've never lived in the same state. I'm not freaking over the fact that I haven't seen him in 6 months and won't see him (except for the two weeks he will visit) until the wedding. I'm fine. Last week I wasn't so fine. I was freaking. I'm good now. I just don't want to freak Scott out. I love him so much. I don't want to worry him.

So what's next? I'm working on the same things I've been working on for the past 6 months. Still haven't gotten anything done for the wedding. I realized the other day that Scott and I have to get our picture taken. We don't have an engagement picture at all. Nothing. So when he does come to visit, I need to have an appointment scheduled already for our engagement shots. Scarey stuff. We've got to get the guys suits while he is here too. Wow, lots to do.

Is anybody out there?

Amost Two Weeks

I keep telling people it's been almost a week, but I thought about it today and it has been longer than that since I've talked to or heard from Scott. I lose track of time easily lately.

I don't know where he is, what he's doing......nothing. I haven't heard his voice since Mother's day. He tried to call me and I missed the call because I was in another room and couldn't hear my phone ring. I thought I would bust in to tears then.

I really am trying not to be super emotional. I want to keep a good attitude. It's hard though. How am I supposed to know that he is ok? I keep telling myself that he is just really busy and can't get to a computer or phone. I keep thinking that nothing is wrong and nothing has happened. It isn't really that I think he may be hurt or anything. I'm just worried about other things. He's alone there. Yeah there are plenty of people around, but how many people of faith? What scares me is what may come against him right now. I know it has been difficult for me. I just pray for him every time I think about him. I ask God to protect him, encourage him and let him know I love him.

I have so many fears about the future. It is crazy. I shouldn't worry about the future. The Bible tells me so. I guess it is just easy to let doubt whisper to you and hard to not hear the whisper in your ear.

Please pray for us.

I'm Going to be in a Play!

Nervousness. I auditioned for a musical Tuesday night. I just wanted to see if I could do it, because the last time I even tried to "act" was when I was 12. Fourteen years later, I thought it was time to take another stab at it. I shouldn't have been so shy about it. Still not out of that weirdness that I get sometimes where I don't want to speak up. I talk myself out of too many things. The audition was fun. I could've done more, but with me having the crud and not having much experience behind my belt, I fell into the background. Still, I was cast as a chorus girl and a smaller role (I think Suzanne) in Kiss Me Kate. I'm excited about it. It'll be a nice thing to do with some of my friends. Still, I won't have any free time, but maybe I'll feel better about how I spend my time. I'm going to miss hanging out with my dad on Tuesdays though. I love him.

Speaking of which, I had to delay our "date" night because of the ladie's banquet. Now I'm going to have to postpone again because of rehearsel. I hope my dad isn't upset. I think I'll visit him tonight. I miss hearing him boss me around. hehe

Last night I stayed up until 1 working on a Congratulations banner for two people I go to church with. It was fun. That's what it looks like. I haven't just sat down and drawn anything in a while. I talked on the phone with Eli while I worked. I caught up on his life. Strange talking to him after everything. I'm afraid I still may have a tinge of bitterness in me. I've really prayed about it. I don't want to be mean to him. It's just hard to be nice to him sometimes when I remember everything that happened between us. I make mean little comments that I could just keep inside and not express. He just leaves the door wide open and I walk through it. It's like the movie You've Got Mail. I zing him and then I feel the overwhelming remorse for what I've done. I'm getting better about it though. Unlike the movie, we won't end up together. Far from what I would want anyway. I just want to learn to be a real friend to him again.

I miss Scott. I try not to think about it. Ever since he changed camps, I never get to hear from him. When I do get to talk to him it seems like such a short conversation. I miss his hugs, smell, touch.....man I miss him. I can't even remember what it feels like to hug him. I can't wait until he comes home. I think we have about a month and half left. It's just not going quickly enough. I don't know if I'm going to be very good at being a military wife. I'm going to try my best. Boy this isn't fun though.

Roof Top Teaching

As promised.....here is Bro. Lambert preaching his sermon from the roof of our church. He's so silly. I think it's great that he is willing to try anything to get people to come to church. This was a dare. He said he would preach on top of the church if they had 75 people, I think. Crazy stuff.

I'm just glad he didn't get too excited and fall off!

Sorry the pictures are kinda fuzzy.

Pentecostal Jumping Bean/Jumping Preacher

The preacher Biggie (Amanda) was referencing to in her comment on my last post was a preacher she had seen preaching revival at my home church one year while we were attending Northeast Community College. I had taken a group of people to a revival service with me, just so they could see what my church was like. People have so many, I'm not sure how to put it......they just make up in their mind how a pentecostal church will be because of what they may have heard. I always like for them to see if for themselves and make their own judgements based on their experience. I love visiting other churches so it is nothing to me to bring someone to visit mine. It's fun. I'll admit I'm not the most "by the book" Pentecostal, but I was born and raised that way.

The time that I did take Amanda and a few other friends to church with me was so much fun! Bro. Lambert, the jumping preacher, was in the middle of his sermon when the first thing he did that may seem unsual to some people was take off his shoes. Now I've seen this many times before. I mean, it isn't common or anything, but a preacher will do anything to get his point across. I think the thing that really did it for Amanda and everyone else was when he jumped up on the altar while he was preaching. I laughed inside because I knew they were probably thinking all kinds of things. I think Bro. Lambert puts it best when he says, "I'm feeling my Holy Ghost wheaties."

He's now the pastor of our church in Iuka. I love that church. There is a move of God there that is amazing. The pastor and his wife both have a heart for God that you would not believe. Plus, they are just silly. If we get 100 people at church, the pastor, the youth leader, and a couple more guys at our church are going to shave their heads. I'm rooting for 100!! I know it can happen. I'll be so funny!

Well, I was going to try to post a picture of Bro. Lambert on here, but the computer is giving me heck. I'll try again later. It's fun.

Sometimes I Just Don't Know

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I view people. It started the other day when I was driving back to my house for lunch. I had to pass by some workers on the side of the road. One guy waved me through the blocked area. He was wearing an orange jump suit. You know, the ones that people usually wear if they are working community hours for the police. I looked at his face as I drove by. I wondered what it would be like to meet him on the street. I started thinking about how I would act toward him if I had just bumped in to him. Would I be afraid? Would I be friendly? Would I even say, "Hi"? These thoughts began the chain reaction in my brain that usually sends me on a wild goose chase.

So many times people are quick to judge others just by what they see. I've made it point in my life to treat everyone the same. Sometimes I'm more successful at accomplishing this goal than others. I've failed many times. I keep trying though. One thing I've noticed about myself is that I honestly believe (and this is the naive part of me that my father says will quickly fade away once reality hits) that everyone has good in them. I believe that first moment of introductions, hellos, glances is the opportunity for them to be completely free of judgments, stereotypes or anything. I start off meeting people thinking that they are truly saints, then I let them decide what they will be to me. I base how I feel about them on how they act, speak, react, express themselves to me. After those first few moments I catch on to what kind of person they will be. Still, I hold out hope that the good will overcome anything and will be what I see from then on. I never think that they could hurt me, lie to me, deceive in any way, or be bad. I guess that is why, most times, when someone does something that is considered unorthodox to other people, I'm a little let down. I put my heart out there for people to play with and not in a romantic way but in a loving way. I've noticed that deep down, when I meet someone, I truly love their souls. They have to decide whether or not to let me.



I don't know........it was clearer in my head. Sometimes it is so hard for me to put in to words what I'm thinking. It can be crystal clear inside and from my brain to my fingers the translation gets lost. I tried.

Cheeseburger Ravioli

I miss Darby. I went home today for lunch (mainly because my funds are dwindling down to nothing quickly) and searched through my pantry for the perfect lunchtime food. I stumbled across and old friend, Chef Boyardee

uh, that would be him....anyway...it made me think of living on the coast and hanging out with Darby, my seven year old neighbor. She was the coolest! I'm sure she still is. I remember the first time I ever met her she was quoting facts to me like a walking encyclopedia. She was five then, I think. Gosh, I'm not sure now, but she was a friggin genius! We would play outside or inside, either way it was fun. Her mom was in class with me half of the time. Somewhere I have a picture of her. I'll find it and post it. Oh, it was the cheeseburger ravioli that reminded me of her because she was the first person I ate it with. I think the first couple of years hanging out with Darby consisted of frozen chicken nuggets, chef boyardee of all types (meatballs, ravioli, spagetti), peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, chocolate milk and grape drinks. Man I miss her.

I'm kinda blank today. I've been looking at a lot of other people's illustrations and such. I'm so overwhelmed with things lately, I haven't gotten to enjoy myself with creating anything. I've been working and sleeping and filling time, but I haven't been doing anything creative. Draining really. I've got to do something! I've been wanting to paint lately, but I just don't have the gusto. I think it's just laziness taking over. I really need to play outside a bunch. I think the sunshine would do me good.

Enough for today.

Things That Make Me Happy

I was thinking about it.... Happy.....Birthday. What makes me happy?

Flowers

Laughter

Art

Music

Ice Cream Cones, Especially Chocolate!

Children

Baby Animals

Sunrise and Sunset

LOVE

I'm not overenthused about my birthday. I'm glad it is here and all-in-all, it's been nice. Just a little lonesome. So Happy Birthday world!! I hope I can be a servent to someone today.

One Day Can Change It All

Well, things are starting to become more clear. I say this knowing good and well that tomorrow it'll probably fuzz over again! Oh well. hehe

Easter weekend was wonderful. I had the opportunity to visit with friends, family and soon-to-be family. I was blessed to have my mom at church with me for both services, and (with no disrespect to my mom) that was a miracle in itself. I can't remember the last time I really and truly knew that my mom wanted to be a church. It was such an overwhelming feeling to have her there beside me. Now if I could just get my dad feeling better and going to church somewhere. Man, that would be awesome! It will happen.

Sunday was a day full of everything. I went to church that morning. After church I changed and headed over to Burnsville, MS to hang out with my fiance's family. It was a little awkward at first for me because: A. he isn't here; B. I don't know them that well; C. none of them really know me. It ended up being pretty cool though. I got to talk to his sister, niece, uncle and mom a bit. I just wish he could have been there with me.

I left the picnic to go to my mom's to change clothes for church. Church was great. I headed home after that. It was a full day. Fun, but full. I took lots of pictures to send them to Scott. I really need to get on that. I've had them for a little while now. I just need to send them.

Scott told me the Air Force is downsizing. Good stuff. Actually, I'm not really sure how that will affect us. I know that he may be discharged if they have to cut people. Seems strange to me that you can enlist for an amount of time, but if they decide they don't need you anymore then that's it. It makes sense though, I guess. It's just like a business. He is at the top of the list for his base in Colorado. He asked me what I thought about it all. Truly, I'm ok with whatever. If he gets out, fine. If he stays in, fine. If we live in a foreign country, fine. If we stay in the states, fine. I think the only stipulation I've given him so far is that I'm not partial to staying here. Of course, God's will is a lot stronger than mine, so we'll see what happens. Trust me, I'm praying about this one.

There's probably more, but right now my brain is too full to get everything out.

PICTURES!!

Picnic pictures. This is Scott's family picnic. The little girls in the purple skirts are his nieces. The other kids are cousins, I think. They played a little ball too while we were there. I think that is his cousin hitting the ball.

Better Things

Man.....I woke up this morning with a thousand things running through my mind. Last night it took me forever to get to sleep because my mind kept buzzing. I don't know what the deal is. It's really strange. I ended up staying up late and making a purse out of a placemat. When I finish it, I'll post it so you can see. Gotta get the details taken care of. My fingers are sore too from pushing the needle through. It took me an hour and a half to do. When you think about it, there really are a lot of benefits to owning a sewing machine. Lol! Good experience though. It would have taken me probably ten minutes to make one of those with a machine. I'm such a dork! It was fun.

I have the strangest thoughts in my head lately though. My brain feels like it is going through overload. I've realized how easily I get absorbed in my own life and don't think to see how others are doing.

My heart was blessed this morning by a blog I check ever so often. Man, you never know what other people are going through until you take the time to notice. I'm touched just by the way so many people are willing to open their lives up to everyone. My life seems so fickle a lot of times.

I want to help others. I want to be a blessing. I wish I knew........I just wish I knew where my true place is. Meanwhile, I'll continue to search. There really are better things going on in the world than what I have to add. I'm glad.

Florist Scare

yeah.....I'm a little worried about the florist that I talked to recently about doing the flowers for my wedding. Only by coincidense, I happened to see an arrangement that she did for the church that I go to. I didn't know that she had done it. Now, it wasn't bad, but after I learned that she didn't follow the instructions that was given to her for the arrangement, it scared me.

What if I give her instructions on how I want my flowers to look and she takes it upon herself to change what I want. Not cool. I'm wondering what I should do. I dunno. I've never done this before.

So, I've got a picture of my wedding band now. I like it. That's my sweet baby's little chubby fingers modeling it for you. Yeah ok, I know, sorry.....not trying to be gross, just can't help it.

I love it. I can't wait to get his ring taken care of so that we'll have all of that finished and not have to think about it. One less thing on the wedding "to do" list. Blah.

You know, I've been thinking that this sure is a lot of hub-bub just for one crazy day! If I had been married before, I would so elope. I guess that's why I'm doing all this mess. I've never been married before. I want to do this thing right. It should be fun. We'll see what happens.

Speaking of things to do....We've just about gotten the honeymoon finished!! I'm sooooo excited!!! I have my passport and we're waiting on our confirmation. I can't believe we are going to Italy! I'm so stoked. I can't even imagine what it is going to be like. Scott doesn't realize what all he has already given me and what he is doing for me now! He is so amazing (even without all this stuff he's done). I'm really excited about living life with him.

How do you feel about these flowers?

Oh! Here is the church where we are getting married. Classic.

"Monday Monday, dah dah, dah dah dah dah"

Ahh, there's nothing like starting your Monday morning with a bloody nose. I think my schnauzah has just about had it. I'm still trying to get over a cold that I can't seem to kick and my nose is screaming for that Kleenex softness. I sneezed this morning and the crimson tide washed over my upper lip. It's disgusting I know, but it is what happened.

I noticed last night while I was driving home (completely on a different subject) that the tiniest things really can make me smile. I like it when you can drive the same speed as another car driving past you and when you cross under the overpass you never see the car, you just know it is there because you saw the headlights before. The wall between always blocks the car. Something about that always makes me giggle. Probably 'cause I'm a freak and now the world knows, but that's ok.

I was at church last night and when I went to sit down I saw two feet sticking out from under my pew. I bent down and peeked under to find a little red-haired boy playing with a GI Joe while he lay on his back. I whispered to him, "Hey, are you hiding?" He said, "Yeah." There was a cell phone by his side. I asked, "Is that your's?" And again he said, "Yeah." My reply, "Ok, I won't tell anyone you are here. Don't lose your phone. Bye bye." He said, "Thanks. I won't. Bye." I proceeded to sit back up and clap with the music, all the while knowing I had a little elf under my pew.

Tonight there will be wooly mammoths and sloths in my dreams! I'm going to see Ice Age 2. I think it will be fun. Dan and Brent are possibly going to accompany me to the event. Very exciting. I'll cook chicken fajitas and hopefully not poison anyone. It will be grand.

Peculiar

Today is going pretty well. I've gotten to work on some Ads for school and still have a little fun. Yesterday when I came in to work there was a present on my desk.

This little guy.

It made me laugh. I don't know who left it, but it made me feel good and I appreciate their kindness. Just wish I could return it! I also got a nifty little wrist rest. Cool stuff.

So I'm trying to actually work like I'm supposed to. It's so hard to concentrate lately. I'm a mess. I really am. Too much stuff going on in my brain and heart.

I gotta get off the serious notes......I'm planning a trip to Nashville Easter weekend!! My friend Carrie and I may be hitting the highway and getting out of Dodge! I hope so. I need to runaway for a while (again). The last time I took a trip was two weekends ago. I visited my brother for St. Patrick's Day. I always love getting to visit him. And I do mean that! He means a lot to me.

Sorry, not full of inquisitive thoughts or silly things today really, just living.

More Pictures:

It's just one of those days!

A Few Pictures for You

Ok, so these are just a few random pictures. The flowers I got at Valentine's Day. The pictures of Scott were sent to me by him from over there. Man I miss him. Then there are a couple I probably already had on my blog, but it never hurts to post more. Right? Anyway, enjoy.

Luck be a Computer Today!

Wow, I'm really getting excited about being able to put something on here. Awesome!

Anyway, things are moving along. Not getting anything done really. I've just been working and hanging out. I really should try to locate a photographer, tent, caterer and florist. I've been putting it off, because I'm a freak stupid woman!

Today I got some pictures printed of Scott that I didn't have. They turned out great! I was completely stoked! Here is one. He's so cute. I could just pinch those cheeks! Okay, sorry I have my moments of pure cheeziness. I can't help it. I haven't had the opportunity to express my......well, whatever you want to call it.....pent up googliness.

I'm ready for ol' Scotty boy to come home and get this thing moving. It gets old waiting. Plus, work is becoming work. Not fun.

I'm getting more comfortable with the people at work though. That's cool. I'm actually getting to talk, laugh and cut-up with some of them. I miss having that. It's good to get it back. I'm still keeping to myself a bit, just to keep it safe. You know. People gossip.

Hrmm.....I guess that's it. I can't really think of anything right now.

It's a Miracle!!

I almost fell outta my seat when I realized that my computer was going to let me post. Usually it says that this website is obscene and tasteless, and it blocks it immediately. Not today! Yippee!

I've missed posting here. I don't have a way, except for the public library to get to an internet hook-up that allows posting. I never get to go by the library.

This past weekend was rough. My best friend's dad passed away. I wasn't sure what to think. He was hilarious. He made me giggle a lot and was so sweet. He could really make you think he was a tough cookie too. I'll miss him a lot.

I could probably say a thousand things more about it, but I don't think I will. Not yet.

Life lately has been strange. I've been waiting. Waiting for Scott to come home, waiting to move, waiting for something in my spiritual life to happen, waiting for my physical image to change, waiting for many things and waiting for nothing. It's craziness. I think too much lately. I can't focus on my exercise, because when I do exercise my mind drifts to everything and frustrates me. It's hard to explain everything.

Scott will be coming home in June sometime. I'm not sure when. I think he knows the exact date, but he wants to surprise me. Sweet.

Have you ever known and felt deeply that your greater purpose was so close but you just couldn't figure out what it was? It's like it is right in front of you, but you just can't see it? You ache inside because you know you are supposed to being doing something.........something......what is it????? I feel like I'm stuck. It's not necessarily a bad thing, just confusing.

Please pray for me.

Long Time Without Posting, Many More in Sight

Sorry it has been a while since I've posted. I've got no sources! My computer at work blocks the blogs, but for some reason I can still read them. I just can't post to any of them. The yesterday it started blocking my yahoo mail account! There's no hope! I'm doomed to utilize the library's resources!

Things are moving along.....slowly. Even though every day gets me a day closer to Scott coming home and us getting married, it still seems as though everything just creeps on by. There are 245 days left until the wedding. I'm not counting, Scott is. haha! I've managaed to get my dress, the church and reception area booked, my passport (sent for), and...that's about it. Yeah, I'm not moving along very well. I hate doing this stuff without Scott. As much as I love him, I don't like emailing all of the details of the wedding to him and sending pictures. I'd much rather have him here with me picking out everything. From what I've heard, though, he'd be doing the same thing he is doing now, just in person. "I don't care, Deresa. Whatever you think is best." He makes me smile.

Stress, stress, and more stress. My fingernails have stopped growing. My face is freaking out. I've never had so many breakouts!! (which I'm sure you guys wanna know this) My legs have started swelling. I look like a fat mamma-jamma with huge ankles! It's kinda freaking me out. Scott says, "Take a week off and don't think about the wedding." How is this possible? I would like to not think about it, but it floods my every thought. I'm worried that when he gets back I won't have everything done that needs to be done. I don't want it to be a flop. I don't want it to be a typical small-town wedding either, because in my head it's always been something more than that. I also don't want to spend thousands of dollars for one day. ACK! It probably would be a lot easier to just elope. Scott doesn't want to. I tried talking him in to it. haha!

Anyway, gotta jet. I'll post again when I get to. You may thank Elizabeth O. for this wonderful opportunity. She's letting me use her computer.

Much love to all!

Settling

Sorry, I know it's been a while since I've posted. Time has gotten the best of me. I'm living in Corinth now. I have a two bedroom apartment that is big enough for me. I like it. It's lonely, but I'll get used to it. I'm working for the School District doing graphic design work. It's fun. I've been trying to get used to being back in north MS. It's hard to adjust. I think about Gulfport all the time (when I'm not thinking about Scott).

Right now I'm living my life day-to-day. I don't know what's ahead. The work I'm doing for the School District may work out to be a full-time position. I'm just worried, I guess. I know I shouldn't worry, but I do. I know that if everything works out when Scott comes back I am going to move to Colorado. I know that the people at work have been very kind to me. I don't want to mislead them. I haven't mentioned that I'll be leaving in August. I don't know if I should. I want to be honest with them so they won't feel that I've disrespected them by leaving. Some people say that I'm not being disrespectful by not telling them. I've been told that it's normal to up and leave later and not to worry about it. We'll see. I'm playing it by ear. I've just been praying about it and I told God what I thought about everything (how I don't want to hurt anyone). It's up to Him to work out the details.

I'm overwhelmed. I don't know if I've mentioned this or not, but I'm engaged! I got that way at Thanksgiving. So, not only am I stressing over work and money, I'm freaking out about planning a wedding by myself. Scott won't get to help me, really help me, until August. So I've got to do the planning with him by phone and via the internet. Not cool. This is something I want to do right, and I want it to be beautiful. I just hope I can pull it off. The "date" is October 7 (God willing and the Creek don't rise).

Well, everyone is leaving work. I'm glad I finally got to post. I'll try to do better. I just haven't felt like sharing much lately. Much love guys!

Back on the Coast for the Week

I've returned. I had to make myself drive down to the coast today. I procrastinated as long as I could. I wanted to cry. I DON'T want to be here. Scott came home for the weeked. He had a death in the family. I stayed around him for the time and soaked it all in. I took him back to the airport yesterday. I felt like I was breaking into a thousand pieces. It was overwhelming. We are both miserable as far as the situation goes with us being apart. I miss him tons and it isn't long until he leaves for 6 months.

I have to be here for the week. My mom says, "When you get so fed up with it that you can't take it and you're ready to come home, come home. I'm tired of you being there. I don't like the situation you are in." I love my mom for saying that, and I know she would support me, but if I quit my job... what's next?

I keep asking, "What's God's will for my life?" I'm blown away. I have no clue. I keep praying and asking for guidance. "I need help God!!" Help will come. I know it will.

Check For Me

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